[Redacted] Whispers

It’s been a few weeks since the lockdown, since we received that email. (click-replace: "email.") [ //The situation surrounding COVID-19 is rapidly evolving. All students are now required to move out of housing by Tuesday, March 17 at 11:59 p.m.// (link-reveal: "...") [ It’s a weird feeling, to see such an institution (click-replace: "institution" )[institution, so formidable,(click-replace: "formidable,") [awesome,(click-replace: "awesome,")[awful]]] so quickly fall apart. (link-replace:"...") [ I pack my things to move out of my dorm. The night is still cold, but there is an eerie silence about (link-reveal:"116th & Broadway.") [ Murmurs hover close like soft footsteps in the dark. [I think I might have heard [[a song.]] [[a wail.]] ] ] ] ] ]

I'm glad you are singing. [[Keep on going.]]

Wails never last longer than a (link-reveal:"few seconds.") [ There are never second, third wails, because they are quickly extinguished from the (link-reveal:"throat.") [ [[Look back.]] [[Keep on going.]] ] ]

Wails are expert at hiding themselves. You'll never find a thing. [[Keep on going.]]

Walking along Broadway, I pass by familiar halls. (link-reveal: "...") [ There was a time when simply being within the walls of this university took me apart. [[Recall.]] ]

I am (link-reveal:"decomposing.") [ Why had I thought I [spoke]<a1| this country's language? (click: ?a1)[ It's one week into school. I remember being praised as the best English speaker all throughout high school. Here, the ability to speak English is as common as (link-reveal:"skin.") [ My [skin]<b1| is always a tint off. (click: ?b1)[ Speaking becomes a (link-reveal:"danger.")[ What if this reveals my inaptitude? What if this is the wrong sign? What if I'm [[exposed?]]] ] ] ] ]

"Ohh haha no, I meant //The Weeknd//. The singer." (link-reveal:".")[ He is (link-reveal:"smiling.")[ I don't know why I'm devastated. [[Back->me]] ]]

I would speak and others would sometimes laugh. I don’t know which was worse, them laughing or remaining silent. [[Back->me]]

I [[emptied]] the [[eggs and potatoes]] into my mouth before the [[paper dishes]] got [[soggy]].

Two weeks into school. I've decided to give up conversation at dining halls. (link-reveal:"...")[ Oh no, everyone I attempted to talk to were nice. The problem was me.[(mouseover:"me") [ Always [[me]]. ] ] ]

If you rehearse your words one too many times, it starts to go bad. At some point you throw away your attempt altogether, disgusted by the stink of your own silence. [[Back->me]]

They say it's most effective when the infected carrier wears a (link-reveal:"mask.") [ I was the [infected]<a1| whose outsiderness might seep through, accidentally inhaled. (click: ?a1)[ So I stuck to the rules. I wore a (link-reveal:"mask.")[ You see, back in Korea I speak without a [[mask.]] ] ] ]

Have you ever had a conversation, where you [replay]<a1| over and over in your head? (click: ?a1)[ "Hey, (link-reveal:"...") [ He's speaking. I don't understand Words are (link-reveal:"quick") [ (link-reveal:"they") [ I (link-reveal:"not") [ "...did you do this [weekend]<a2|?" (click: ?a2)[ He's asking about my weekend. "I..... [[went out with my friends.-> IWeekend]] //A lie, but less incriminating.// [[went sightseeing downtown.-> IWeekend]]//Is this tourist language?// [[Lit Hum reading, obviously. -> IWeekend]]//Is this even funny? What's considered funny?// [[Nothing much. -> IWeekend]] ] ] ] ] ] ]

]

People no longer wear lights on their eyes. The stores have closed down. Signs read: //closed indefinitely//. Even the street lights seems to have turned grey. [[(rgb: 60, 60, 60)-> AfterCity]]

There used to be bachata playing next to the Lion’s Head Tavern, remember? [[(rgb: 70, 30, 0)-> AfterCity]]

It’s getting cold. [[(rgb: 170, 250, 255)-> AfterCity]]

There is a month-old valentine’s teddy bear behind the display glass on 113th, holding a plastic box of Reeses, ribbons half undone. [[(rgb: 255, 40, 40)-> AfterCity]]

People say the pandemic took away their beautiful city. (link-replace:"...")[They're not familiar with a colorness, lightless New York. (link-replace:"...")[But I know. I've lived in it all along. A grey city where you are pushed out of the way. Where you are treated like an adult but feel like a child. A city that gives me what I need but [nothing]<d1| more. (click: ?d1)[Now I finally have something in common with you... Is it terrible to feel relieved? [[Yes]] [[No]] ] ] ]

I've walked quite a while now. Looking around, I realize the street sign reads (link-reveal:"96th St.")[ I should have stopped at 103rd. [[Oh.]] ]

I know how to make a room laugh. I know what it is to talk about favorite artists, flirt with someone, make small talk with strangers. But just fourteen hours away I feel like my tongue is ... (click-replace:"...") [ cut off. Bloody words flood from my toes, to my stomach, to my throat and mouth but suddenly ... (click-replace:"...") [I draw in a hasty breath and they’ve run dry. Should running out of breath always be this [[desperate?]] ] ]

I hated that my last name rhymed with a surprise - an //Oh//, of realization, of innocent surprise, of dawning on me seconds later. It felt too much of a description of who I (link-reveal:"was,") [ (link-reveal:"unaware,") [ (link-reveal:"taken by surprise.") [ (link-reveal:"Oh.")[ Was often a sound of people around me being understanding. I hated that my immigrant status excused me for clumsiness, awkwardness, lack of information. I cringed at the (link-reveal:"graceful acquittal.")[ Somehow I was (link-reveal:"protected,")[ saved from the [worst]<a1|,] (click: ?a1) [ but never able to step over the line.] (link-replace:"...")[ I had a few international friends who would so easily, and with grace, move in and out of lanes. I would eye their movements, their expressions, find out if I could learn to be who I [couldn’t]<b1| be. (click: ?b1)[ But each one of them had a [past]<c1|, an [experience]<c1|, a [quality]<c1|, a single [gesture]<c1| - that was by nature so removed from me. (click: ?c1)[Sometimes it was a childhood spent in the States, an enrollment in greek life, but it may have been one good party they went to, or a smile, who knows.] [[I keep on walking.]] ] ] ] ]]]]

I arrive at my new [place]<a1|, just a few blocks off campus. (click: ?a1) [It is a small room with a shared kitchen and bathroom.] (link-replace: "...") [ Unpacking should be effortless. I've never brought my whole life to the States in the [[first]] place. ]

Forgive me. I must be too tired. What was about my inadequacy that made every breath taken in this city so difficult? Is it my imagination that this city so actively, with so much force and sincerity, pushes me (link-reveal:"outwards?") [ What if you had always been living in a [[lockdown city? ->NewYork]] ]

I guess you understand. That I now don't have to tell myself (link-reveal:":")[ //[It doesn't exist.]<b1|//] (click: ?b1)[It’s not only my loneliness, my distance, my hypocrisy. It’s out in the [open.]<c1| (click: ?c1)[ Now you feel it too - The unbearable darkness of alleys, the tears inside of plastic delivery lids, eyes that quickly turn down, rotten piss, the heights, long strides, the busy and the laughs. I am secure in our collective pain. New York after Covid showed everyone [[my New York.->NewYork]] ]]

I already had stores I couldn’t walk into, so many places I never existed in. There was a time when I walked all the way from 42nd street because I couldn’t muster opening my mouth to a cab driver. Block after block, I feel like a discarded pin in a whold billboard of dream-come-trues. [[Now you need to put on your mask. ->NOW]]

Now we're all separated a skin away. I sometimes mistake your words. We walk without making eye contact. Moments of unspeakably anger and fear that you can do nothing about. But I (link-reveal:"promise.")[ It’s never (link-reveal:"unlivable.")[ It's never too (link-reveal:"deadly.") [ It's just that sometimes, you’re breathing fine, then suddenly there is a (link-reveal: "weight") [ pushing firmly down upon your nose. (link-reveal: "...")[ That's where you fall apart. [[.]] ] ] ] ] ]

I’ve always tried to love new york. Back in Korea, relatives, friends, everyone told me (link-replace:" :")[ “How lucky you must be to study at The Capital! Middle of everything!” In the middle of everything, I was in the middle of nowhere. I sometimes took solace in [their imagination]<a1| of new york - (click: ?a1)[ how glorious, shining, blazing with the neons, the salons, the empire state. (link-replace:"...")[ Right now everyone sees the [[New York I live in. ->By Then]] ] ]]

A few days go by. I notice that I've stopped [purging]<a1|. (click: ?a1)[I guess it makes sense - the void in my stomach has gone (link-reveal:"inside-out.")[ Now the loneliness is outside, in public, for everyone to smell. I don't need to turn myself inside out just to see in the horrible retch I excavated from myself. (link-replace:"...") [ Just then I hear my phone [[buzzing.]] ] ] ]

The screen reads "엄마." Should I pick up? [[Yes, pick up]]. [[No, don't pick up]]. [[Let me search the word 엄마 first.]]

"Can you talk on the phone right now?" [[No, I can't.->No, don't pick up]] [[Yeah, I'm not doing much.]]

I can't really talk to mom now. Maybe [[tomorrow.]]

(open-url: "https://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C5CHFA_enKR916KR916&ei=cmLaX6z0LY2wmAXzkKOQDg&q=google+translate+korean+to+english&oq=google+translate+korean+to+english&gs_lcp=CgZwc3ktYWIQAzIFCAAQyQMyAggAMgIIADICCAAyAggAMgIIADICCAAyAggAMgIIADICCAA6BAgAEEdQ9QNYtBVg9hZoAHACeACAAbABiAHaE5IBBDAuMTeYAQCgAQGqAQdnd3Mtd2l6yAEIwAEB&sclient=psy-ab&ved=0ahUKEwis9c3FoNPtAhUNGKYKHXPICOIQ4dUDCA0&uact=5") [[Pick up->Yes, pick up]] [[Don't pick it up->No, don't pick up]]

"Dear...I heard New York is so bad. Did you get the masks I sent? I'm going to send more to your sister too. How are your roommates?" (link-reveal:"They're pretty nice. I haven't really talked to them.") [ "Yes, yeah, best to be careful. How are you with [food]<a1|?" (click: ?a1)[Mom knows my eating habits get worse towards the [middle of the semester.]<b1| (click: ?b1)[It's fine. Stores are open. H-mart and [Westside Market]<c1|. (click: ?c1)["Make sure to buy fruit from Westside Market. Last time I was there they had the best fruit. Buy pre-cut ones if you feel lazy, okay?" [Okay.]<d1| (click: ?d1)["Are you sure it's safe there? Korea has it under control. Restaurants are open here. I've got many masks. I can cook for you, too. Don't you think it's better to be near me?" I... [[want to go back home, ma.->Go Back]] [[should probably stay.->Stay]] ] ] ] ] ]

Mom's left a (link-reveal:"text.") [ have you arrived well at new place? must be tired. rest well [[Call Back ->CALL BACK HER]] [[Don't Reply ->Don't Reply_]] ]

Mom picks up after third buzz. "Aren't you busy? Can you talk?" "Yeah, mom, I can [[talk.->Yeah, I'm not doing much.]]"

Best not talk to mom. It's not like she can do anything. If I tell her something bad, she's going to (link-replace:"worry.") [ After my depression, my mom hardly left me alone. She would always check in, every two or three days. Sometimes I call her at night in desperation, and she pretends she has been awake all along. (link-replace: "...") [ I can't make her go through that [[again.]] ] ]

Classes are still done online here ... in New York time. I think I need to stay here if I want to get good grades. I'm also searching for [jobs.]<a1| (click: ?a1)[["You decided to work there?"]<b1| (click: ?b1)[[I might. Still searching.]<c1| (click: ?c1)[["Wouldn't it be better if you're here?"]<d1| (click: ?d1)[Mom, it's hard to choose. It's got its pros and cons. But my job searching was going pretty well. Also, I told you, I need to take [classes.]<e1| (click: ?e1)[["Is it impossible to take classes in Korea?"]<f1| (click: ?f1)[Well, no, but my sleep schedule's going to be off. I might not even be able to spend that much [time with you.]<a2| (click: ?a2)[["If you want, I can cook for you during the night. I can wake up."]<a3| (click: ?a3)[[No, mom, that's not gonna work.]<a4| (click: ?a4)[["I...okay. If you think that's best."]<b2| (click: ?b2)[ We don't talk too much afterwards. Some routine promises, updates, bye, talk to you later, I'll call you [[soon.]] ]]]]]]]]]]

I can't take this place anymore. I wanna go home. Mom takes a (link-reveal:"deep breath.") [ "Dahyung-ah, I'm so happy you're saying that. Please come home. I've been wanting to tell you all along. I really think it's so much better if you're here. Come home now, [okay]<a1|?" (click: ?a1) [ [[Okay.]] ]]

After my depression, my mom hardly left me alone. She would always check in, every two or three days. Sometimes I call her at night in desperation, and she pretends she has been awake all along. Whenever I struggled to go to sleep, thinking how everyone endured each excruciating second of simply existing, she would sit and stroke my feet until I [[fell asleep.]]

Few days go by, maybe a few weeks. Mom calls me from time to time. I tell her [[I'm still going to stay.->fell asleep.]] [[I want to go back home ->Go Back]]

It's my last day in New York. Fourteen-hour long flights always depart in the morning, so there isn't much to plan for (link-replace:"tomorrow.") [ I look up at the ceiling. Moonlight (mouseover:"Moonlight")[ - or street lights, I can't tell which -] is making shadows of my blinds. They're shivering [uncertainly]<a2| in the wind. (click: ?a2) [(link-reveal:"Hey.") [ I’m not giving up, [am I?]<a1| (click: ?a1)[ [No.]<b1|] (click: ?b1)[ Thanks for saying that. But you know what I mean, right? Feels a lot like giving up. (link-replace:"...") [ It’s getting lonely. Can you hit the lights? [[Lights]] ]]]]]

Few days go by. The city is [[quiet.]]

It's been quiet for a [[long time.]]

I look out at the window. It's turning [[spring.]]

One day I finally pick up my phone. (link-replace: "Call Mom.") [ [엄마, I...]<abc1| (click: ?abc1)[ I suddenly break down [[crying. ->Go Back]] ] ]

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